A Letter To Every Girl Struggling To Heal After A Toxic Relationship

Leaving any form or type of relationship can be a tumultuous and scary experience. We all know that someone going through a bad breakup needs both a bit more care and a bit more space.
Just like a fragile item that needs to be treated with love, care, and respect.
It’s a sensitive, painful and sensitive time when all our emotions can rise and fall rapidly for reasons that only make sense to the subconscious.

Leaving a toxic or narcissistic relationship is even harder. Because for one you thought and dreamed that he was the right guy for you and that he was going to be your future husband.
Your self and your state of mind are at war with each other fighting in spirit to keep him or to let him go.
You’ve been denied and marginalized for so long that now you do it to yourself without considering it.
When you realize you’ve done to yourself what he or she used to, anger and shame well up at yourself for falling back into the old pattern.
Then follows the guilt and all the doubts that you had about yourself and that guy you thought you loved and cared about.

This is not something that can be fixed in a ten-minute pep-talk. This is not a one-and-done scenario. This is a process, and it is measured in smiles and baby steps, and small acts of kindness toward yourself.

Two people will rarely heal from the same situation in the same way, and there are many strategies and methods that have been developed.
Some methods are advocated by professionals, and some are self-taught coping mechanisms that provide a stepladder.

One method is to delve into the past and all its reasons with a therapist or other neutral party. Some people find this to be extremely helpful.
It can give you closure, understanding, and clarity in a situation that has caused confusion and grief. It may also illuminate some patterns or tendencies you have that made you more susceptible to the advances of your ex.

Another option is to seek a coach who will help you define and attain goals as a method of moving forward.
This approach puts the past away and focuses on improvement from wherever you are at the moment.
It downplays trying to backtrack how you got where you are and focuses instead on defining where you are and where you want to be.
This can be helpful for people who like to accomplish concrete goals and get a sense of achievement from taking steps toward those goals.

Both of these methods have merit and some form of accomplishment with it, and indeed, both can be used by one person. Some professionals do both, starting out as a counselor and moving into coaching as the person is ready.

Some former victims move forward on their own, forging ahead and cleaning up without any direction from outside sources.
This method takes willpower and determination, and it will only work if you’re willing to do the legwork and research on your own.
One word of warning or caution, however: this method is often the toughest, the most painful, and it takes the most time, but it does give you the most control and privacy. That can be a double-edged sword.

The last option covered here is to recruit a group of people, be it if they friend, family, or a support group, with whom you can share your experiences in a less formal, more social way.  Be sure, if you are going with this option, that the people in your group are willing to listen even when it’s hard for them to do, and be sure to give a listening ear when they need one in return.
This can be helpful, but it relies on forging relationships and there need to be agreed-upon rules. The level of confidentiality agreed upon must be very clear, and judgment-free compassion must be offered by all.

How you heal is ultimately determined by you. These options are by no means all of the methods on offer, but they are the most readily available, and the easiest to implement on short notice.
Most people looking for personal rejuvenation, peace, hope, and a future will find one or more of these methods useful. The exact hows and whys will, of course, vary greatly.

The main point here is not the method of healing you choose, but your willingness to undergo the process. This is not, as I said, an activity for a single sitting.
There will be starts and stops, detours, and wrong turns. Along the way, your story develops. You grow and learn, and if you find yourself changing in ways you don’t like then you can correct your course based on your goals.

You can heal. You can recover. Life is dynamic and everything changes. Don’t give up. Don't give up on you. Don't give up on life. Don't give up on all your dreams, passions, and goals they are there it is a matter of seeking yourself again and finding what you enjoyed to make it flourish again. Nurture yourself. Learn more about yourself. Breathe, laugh, and learn to love again. Learn to forgive yourself again. Whatever you do, don’t give up. There is hope and a better future for you waiting.