Dear Suicide Letter Series

DISCLAIMER/ TRIGGER AND CONTENT WARNING: This is going to be a disclaimer and a trigger and/or content warning for you all right now for those of you who are watching/listening. As I said in my previous videos, if you haven’t seen it based on my spoken word for thought, or some dear letter series I have written in my darkest times I thought to bring this out of the reasons behind why I’m doing this and this is not to dwell on the past or anything like that or even seeking any attention like behaviours from you all or even just seeking out sympathy. I just want to share with you all basically that this is hopefully to engage with you all, support you all in a way, hopefully, that you can walk in my shoes and actually experience the pain that in which I went through in the past life and maybe you can you know to seek help for whatever reason it may be and in saying this that if you see any people that you know of that you care about are showing signs and symptoms of anything of the previous videos based on mental health, do seek professional help for yourself or your loved one or even seeking a second opinion for yourself or your loved one because I don’t forever condone self-harm.

To the ones that knew me or thought that they knew me, this is going to be hard to share with you all. This isn’t anyone’s fault at all but my fault alone for having to carry such burdens for so long. Please don’t forever blame yourselves for what you’ve been not seeing or sharing with me about how we can fight the fight of these demons.  I have been struggling for some time with my demons and I have been trying to fight these demons for so long that it feels like the everyday struggles and battles I have with them are forever long and forever lost.

The reality was that the fight I was fighting daily wasn’t going to be won. I tried to do my hardest to hide away all my demons and brave the days that I was facing by putting a smile on my face to hide the pain, haunts, and taunts from these demons that I fought with. Behind the mask is someone who is struggling and have been trying to call for help or seek help when I needed it the most. Yet, I felt that despite what I have said and done for others that this wasn’t enough for them and I began to doubt where were the others when I needed them the most. I tried to make everything pleasant and quick as possible. I know that there are many times in my life however with these battles and wars I just decided to give up despite in these everyday battles, struggles, and wars that I am facing I still believe I can win even though I did give in a few times. Yes, the choice of what I do with my life is only up to me and only me as I am the only one to answer to and not let others say or dictate to me how to live my life. We all have choices- good, bad, and ugly. I hope that with this being said that it wouldn’t burden you or hurt you in any way.

I didn’t want to bother you with all my problems as the thought of being known for as a pest or a problem. You came to my life for a reason! Whatever that time and reason were that I was so blinded by the white lies and doubt with negativity that was feeding my soul and mind. Feeding and fuelling my mind day in and day out with the darkest thoughts and fears. Along with all of this, I cried my silent tears at night behind closed doors with these tear-stained cheeks of mine flowing so much as a waterfall. These tears I cried were tears of feeling hopeless, trapped, and helpless. I felt despite it all my suicidal thoughts that I will go through it all despite that tugging and towing of what was real and what was fake. Trying to figure out for myself what was my reality. Trying to figure out what was my purpose. Trying to figure out what was my fate. I am sick and tired of being the good woman, I am sick and tired of all the things that I thought in my world was mine to claim when it wasn’t mine in the first place. I felt as though while am reaching out to anyone that no one ever cared or ever bothered to ask me if I am okay. How am I?

What am I feeling? Not once a voice of comfort came to my aid/rescue as I was totally ignored. These white lies that were still feeding me and fuelling my thoughts were taunting me, telling me that I’m not worth it, I’m not perfect, I am not wanted, I am not loved, No one cares, etc. I know and felt that I didn’t deserve anything good out of my life. I felt weak and felt like a total failure in others’ eyes around me. As far as I can remember in my darkest moments and hours, I pushed away everyone that did know and loved me for me and I was spinning out of control and spiraling down fast. Some of the ones that I did push away that cared and loved me, they ended up turning their back and walked away from me. And so I couldn’t put the burden of my problems onto anyone else and I just sat there in silence with these battles of mine.

I know where some of my best parts have been before you came and visit me with suicidal thoughts of contemplating ending my life as you came to visit me a few times while growing up and struggling with these demons. I can no longer find any motivation and drive to continue my everyday life of trying to live it normally. Yet, we know that normal is underrated these days. Yes, I can see my imperfections, faults, and flaws along with many other things.

I have no real friends that I can turn to, I feel so alone, and this feeling I am feeling is crippling me so much with fear and anxiety along with other mixed emotions. I just want all of this turmoil, pain, torments, taunts, and more to stop! No one will ever understand how and what I am feeling and why I am acting out this way. Or even knowing what is going on inside my head with these everyday battles I go through mentally. If you really knew you may hate me anyway. You may cut me out and off from your life when I needed you the most. You may end up saying that it’s all in my head and I am just playing games and in all honesty, you want to know until you’re faced with any of your inner demons that you’re fighting to understand my everyday struggles, pains, and more.

I pray, wish, and hope that you will find peace and know to what I did may have been a selfish act on my part as I know and understand to what I did affects not just me but others in some way. I hope that you will find peace and courage to understand and know that I am not in pain anymore from my demons. Finding that peace knowing that I am not fighting these demons I have been fighting for so long is now gone.

I just feel that I am not good enough for anyone after trying to reach out so many times and being ignored for this long. For what reason if I was to reach out once more, I may end up being laughed at again and having the fingers pointing at me. I am sorry to anyone that has come to my path for any pain that this will or has caused you as this wasn’t my intention to try and end my life after struggling for so long with demons I was fighting against. I pray for this pain that I have caused for it to be only temporary. I have always tried to give everything about myself of the best self possible to others only then a repeated cycle that I get hurt again emotionally and spiritually. I pray and hope that you will remember and reminisce over the good things that I have done and said to you all that have come to my life for whatever reasons and purpose. I forever want to at this point in time flip the switch that keeps you sane. I want to just keep feeding and fuelling my darkest demons by what it wants as it is controlling everything around me, my thoughts and actions to boot are in a state of overdrive. The switch inside of me to try and turn it off to stop the hurt, pain, and harming myself. I want to let go of myself so that no pain to feel any more of any kind. Please find in your heart to forgive me for what I chose to do with my life as I couldn’t cope anymore. To the ones that knew and loved me and came into my life to stay, I am done and sick and tired of pretending that everything is okay when it wasn’t. I am sick and tired of trying to be someone that I am not. You will eventually move on after grieving for me and you will eventually in time forget about me. I love you all that has come into my life for a reason and I always will.

I can’t live like this anymore and I am so sorry please don’t be forever bitter about the decisions that I ended up making leading up to this time.

I didn’t want this in how my life to end despite it all I knew that I had a lot more to give and a lot more to shine off my purpose and greatness I had.

Don’t hate me please as I don’t know what to do!

I love you all and be free as I am free in spirit now too.

Goodbye.