AUTISTIC EXHAUSTION- HOW IT FEELS FOR ME AS AN AUTISTIC
One of the hardest things for me to deal with as an autistic person is people not understanding what life is like for me on a daily basis as usually when I am around people that I have to put myself on repeat to share my everyday life or even just the thought of talking or socializing alone can be a difficulty in its own merit and right. (That’s if you’re lucky to have me in your life to be able to share with you anything). You see that sometimes or in the past shall we say that, it did take a while for me to open up to people based on my past experiences and circumstances that I have been through. But, today I am doing my utmost best to trust myself to approach and talk to people and let them in while leading my guard down and giving others the benefit of the doubt. Nobody has any idea how much energy goes into ensuring I don’t mess up too badly or that I “get things done” when they need doing. I seem to try to play the part really well in a “Neurotypical” world full of expectations and so on. I usually do self-doubt and think to myself in the past of questions that race through my mind such as, “Am I doing it right?, Will people like me and accept me for who and what I am? and many other questions that I am sure that the rest of us may be able to relate. Well, they might, but many people in my life didn’t until I received my diagnosis, and even then, it’s hard for them to understand sometimes. I have had so many different people in the past and present come to me and challenge me with some questions as to why I act and speak the way I do. I will have to admit to you after being diagnosed as autistic and being autistic brings various challenges and joys with it. I adore my hyper-focus and passions, creativity, empathetic self but I loathe the inevitable misunderstandings and sensory bombardments from others or even just people plain ignorance and/or arrogance towards me as a person. After all, I am still human underneath all the labels. Yet, again, this isn’t their fault as this is still new but it is all about being given a chance or opportunity to let others know that it is okay to be different. I am a carefully balanced human. I know that things that won’t be stressors to other people will be problematic for me. I tend to either shy away or as people may call it avoid it. I know that spending time in a group will be exponentially more difficult than spending time with people one-on-one. I know that I will always have to ‘perform’ to some extent when I’m communicating with most non-autistic people. The question to ask yourselves is this, have you ever been so tired after a busy day that you sit down and before you know it, you’re waking up out of nowhere and it’s the next day already… when you weren’t even finished with the day before? Do you wake up in the morning feeling like that you will be able to set the tasks to do to accomplish and then feel that something is amiss? This has been my reality since I was young. A few hours of an activity that didn’t involve being at home, and for the next day or even two, I’m so tired I can’t do anything except lay around and sleep. The exhaustion of autism is real and tangible in my everyday life. Each day it takes every single bit of energy I have to focus on tasks for the day. If I don’t focus, my mind wanders and before I know it, hours have passed and I haven’t done a darn thing that’s important. Yet, I am now starting to learn to focus on the tasks to do as said that some tasks may take longer than others yet for what it is worth for it to work is to have an everyday list of activities or tasks so that then I can check them off. I have shared that for me having lists is important as I can see what I have accomplished in that day and that it gives me a sense of appreciation in myself that I can do most of the things that are given to me and boost my confidence. I can’t sit and do nothing (literally, do nothing) because if I do, I fall asleep. I must be doing something – writing, reading, on the computer – that is engaging my brain or that’s lights out for me. I can’t sit on the couch without falling asleep, ever, unless I’m doing something. And no, watching TV doesn’t count. It’s easy to oversleep this way, which makes me more tired, and it’s harder to recover from. Some days I sleep 12 hours, others I get eight hours split into two for days on end and I’m fine. I don’t “crash” except after I’ve been out into the big world. If I don’t focus on walking up the steps, I will or may trip. If I don’t watch very, very carefully when I’m pushing a cart in the store, I will misjudge distance and run into someone or something. Sometimes, while I am out shopping for food I will likely to take a bit longer to be sure that I’ve got the right foods for myself to have a healthy diet and nutritional lifestyle. I get majorly fatigued from being out in the world with its sound and smells and all-around environment surrounding me, assaulting my ears and eyes and skin from every direction. I wear headphones as much as I can to block out noises and listen to music. I most of the time besides it being a