It’s Hard For You To Say NO
People Pleasing This and many more situations/circumstances I’ve struggled with for many years until I realize I had to do something about it to change that situation/outcome for the better. I know that this is a learning curve for many of us as we grow and learn about ourselves more every day and my hope is that despite the struggles, trials, and tribulations I’ve been through that this has changed me into who I am today. You might worry that telling someone “no” or turning down a request for help will make them think you don’t care about them. Agreeing to do what they want might seem like a safer option, even if you don’t actually have the time or inclination to help. Many people agree to do something when they’d rather not, like helping someone move. But a pattern of this can cause problems since it tells people their needs come before yours. Some people may abuse this, ignoring your boundaries because they know you’ll do what they want anyway. Setting boundaries isn’t always comfortable and people may push back if you say NO to some things or try communicating your needs more clearly. People may try to test your limits, to see how serious you are about drawing the line. Or they may be used to you responding in a certain way (agreeing to take on everything), and they may push back when you try to make some changes. That doesn’t mean that you’re doing something wrong. It may just mean that you need to be clear and consistent until people adjust to the new way of interacting. Clear and established boundaries help us to take care of ourselves emotionally, physically, and spiritually. They are absolutely essential in our relationships with others, whether those relationships are at home with our family or in the workplace with colleagues. Those boundaries tell people in your sphere of influence that you respect yourself and others. The benefits of setting limits can be freeing. For example, you will find that you have more time and energy. When you say “No” to things you don’t want to do and people who drag you down and say “Yes” to spending time with people who fill you up emotionally or doing activities that you’re interested in and enjoy, you’re enabling a happier, healthier self. Boundaries provide emotional liberation from needless energy spent beating yourself up and second-guessing yourself. So, how do we set boundaries? * Note: I shall write more about boundary setting later on but for now this is just a quick brief of how to do it! Trust and believe in yourself.Know your values and limitations. Think of the rules and principles you live by. Get to know yourself as best you can. This means that you need to learn what’s important to you, and what you really value apart from anyone else. Gaining access to your inner world by becoming familiar and comfortable with your own beliefs, emotions, feelings, and ideas is essential. The better you know yourself, the better you are able to understand and choose those significant others that best mirror the kind of life experience you want to have. Acknowledge that your needs and feelings are as important as other people’s.Many of us want to do the right thing, help others, be the first one to volunteer our time or stay late at work to assist a client or colleague. We also need to be mindful of when we are overextended or when our kindness is being taken for granted. Learn to say “no” and be accepting of others when they say “no.” Be clear, firm, and direct when you decide to set limits. Try to be strong, in your body language, and don’t over-apologize. Remember, you’re not asking permission to say no. If you follow these steps, expect discomfort. These conversations may feel uncomfortable and difficult, especially if you are inclined to want to please people. There may be some defensiveness and push-back from those involved, and that’s normal. They’ll get used to your new boundaries over time. We have many people to please on a daily basis, and it’s no simple task to manage all the demands and take care of our own needs at the same time. Having reasonable boundaries means knowing and understanding what your limits are and placing a value on them. “Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices. You apologize or accept fault when you aren’t to blame Are you always ready with a “sorry!” when something goes wrong? People-pleasing involves a readiness to take on the blame, even when what happened has nothing to do with you. Say your boss asked you to get pizza for lunch, but the restaurant mixed up the order. You didn’t get the two gluten-free pizzas you ordered, so three of your co-workers couldn’t eat lunch. The receipt clearly states “gluten-free,” so it’s clear the mistake happened at the restaurant. Still, you apologize again and again, feeling terrible, believing your co-workers will hate you, and never trusting you to order lunch again. You’re quick to agree, even when you don’t really agree Agreeability often seems like a surefire way to win approval. Say your co-workers presented their ideas for an upcoming project at a team meeting. “What a great idea!” you might say to one co-worker while telling another “fantastic plan!” But their ideas might be completely different — and you might not agree with either. If you go along with something you don’t agree with just to keep everyone happy, you’re setting yourself (and others) up for future frustration. If both of the plans have clear flaws, you’re doing everyone a disservice by not speaking up. You struggle with authenticity People pleasers often have a harder time recognizing how they really feel. Continuing to push your own needs to the side makes it harder to acknowledge them. Eventually, you might not even feel sure about what you want or how to be true to yourself. You also may not be able to voice the feelings you are aware of, even