Accountability

Taking responsibility for harm, making repairs where possible, and changing behaviour — not just saying sorry.

Example: “Accountability includes actions, not excuses.”

Acute stress response

A fast body response to threat (fight/flight/freeze/fawn). It can show up even when danger is not obvious.

Example: “My heart races and I can’t think clearly — that’s acute stress.”

Aftercare

Support and comfort after a distressing event, disclosure, difficult session, or triggering situation.

Example: “Aftercare can be a meal, a safe person, rest, and reassurance.”

Anger as a protector

Anger can signal boundary crossing, injustice, fear, or unmet needs — it isn’t always “bad.”

Example: “My anger tells me something felt unsafe.”

Attachment trauma

Trauma linked to early relationships (care, safety, predictability), which can affect trust and regulation later.

Example: “I learned to stay small to keep connection.”

Boundary

A limit that protects wellbeing. Boundaries can be about time, touch, words, space, privacy, and safety.

Example: “I’m not available for shouting — we can talk when it’s calm.”

Bystander

A person who sees harm or risk and can choose to support safety, check in, or seek help.

Example: “A bystander can ask ‘Are you okay?’ and stay nearby.”

Brain–body connection

The way thoughts, emotions, and the nervous system affect the body (and vice versa).

Example: “Tension, nausea, and shaking can be trauma responses.”

Burnout

Severe exhaustion and reduced capacity after ongoing stress, pressure, or emotional load.

Example: “Burnout can make simple tasks feel impossible.”

Betrayal trauma

Trauma that occurs when someone trusted causes harm, lies, or fails to protect you.

Example: “It’s harder because it came from someone close.”

Consent

Freely given, informed agreement. It can be withdrawn at any time — and pressure cancels consent.

Example: “Consent is a ‘yes’ without fear.”

Coercion

Using pressure, fear, guilt, threats, or consequences to force agreement or compliance.

Example: “If you loved me, you would…” (pressure is coercion).

Coercive control

A repeated pattern of behaviours used to dominate and reduce someone’s freedom over time.

Example: “They controlled my money and who I could see.”

Coping tool

A strategy that supports safety or regulation (breathing, grounding, movement, contact, routine).

Example: “A coping tool helps me ride the wave of distress.”

Cycle of abuse

A repeating pattern that can include tension-building, incident, reconciliation, and a calm/honeymoon period.

Example: “It felt better for a while, then it started again.”

Confidentiality

Keeping information private, with some exceptions (e.g., serious risk, legal requirements, safeguarding).

Example: “You can ask: ‘What are the limits of confidentiality?’”

DARVO

A manipulation pattern: Deny, Attack, then Reverse Victim and Offender.

Example: “They hurt me, then said I’m the problem for reacting.”

Dissociation

Feeling disconnected from yourself, your body, emotions, or surroundings — often a protection response.

Example: “I went blank and time felt fuzzy.”

Disclosure

Sharing information about harm or trauma. People may disclose gradually and in pieces.

Example: “It’s okay to disclose at your own pace.”

Dysregulation

When the nervous system is outside its “window of tolerance” (too activated or too shut down).

Example: “I’m not bad — my body is dysregulated.”

Domestic / family violence

Harm within family or intimate relationships — can include emotional, physical, sexual, financial, and coercive control.

Example: “Violence isn’t only physical.”

Emotional abuse

Patterns that harm self-worth or safety through insults, humiliation, intimidation, threats, or control.

Example: “They made me feel small and afraid to speak.”

Enabling

Actions that protect harmful behaviour from consequences (sometimes unintentionally).

Example: “Covering for them keeps the pattern going.”

Empowerment

Support that increases choice, voice, and control — especially after experiences of powerlessness.

Example: “You get to choose what support feels safe.”

Evidence-based

A term used when a tool/therapy has research support. It doesn’t mean it fits everyone.

Example: “Evidence-based can still need tailoring.”

Fawn response

A trauma response where someone appeases or people-pleases to reduce conflict or danger.

Example: “I said yes because I felt unsafe saying no.”

Fight response

A survival response involving pushing back, arguing, anger, or protecting yourself from threat.

Example: “My body moved into fight to defend me.”

Flight response

A survival response focused on escape or avoidance (leaving, running, overdoing, staying busy).

Example: “I couldn’t sit still — I needed to get out.”

Freeze response

A survival response where the body becomes stuck, quiet, numb, or unable to act.

Example: “My mind went blank and I couldn’t move.”

Financial abuse

Controlling access to money, creating debt, restricting work, or monitoring spending to limit independence.

Example: “They kept my bank card so I couldn’t leave.”

Gaslighting

A pattern of denying or twisting reality to make someone doubt their memory, feelings, or perception.

Example: “They said it never happened — even with evidence.”

Grounding

A skill to reconnect to the present moment using senses, movement, breath, or environment cues.

Example: “I name 5 things I can see to ground.”

Guilt vs. shame

Guilt is “I did something wrong.” Shame is “I am wrong/bad.”

Example: “Healing often means reducing shame and restoring worth.”

Honeymoon phase

A period where things feel calm, loving, or improved after harm — often part of a repeating cycle.

Example: “They were kind for a while, then it changed again.”

Hypervigilance

Being constantly on alert for threat; scanning tone, body language, or environment for danger.

Example: “I jump at loud sounds because my body expects danger.”

Healthy relationship

A relationship grounded in respect, safety, consent, honesty, boundaries, and shared power.

Example: “Disagreements happen — but not fear or control.”

Informed consent

Agreement that is based on clear information and real choice — including the right to say no.

Example: “I need the risks and options explained first.”

Isolation

Being separated from support. Isolation can be forced by control or can happen after trauma.

Example: “They made it hard for me to see anyone.”

Intimidation

Using fear to control behaviour (yelling, breaking objects, looming, threats, gestures).

Example: “I complied because I felt scared.”

Justice (restorative)

Approaches focused on repair, accountability, and reducing harm (when safe and chosen).

Example: “Restorative pathways centre safety and choice.”

Journaling for safety

Writing patterns, dates, and feelings can support clarity, memory, and planning (only if safe).

Example: “I note what happened and who I told.”

Kindness (to self)

A recovery skill: treating yourself with gentleness instead of blame, especially after trauma.

Example: “I speak to myself like I would a friend.”

Know your rights

Understanding your options and protections can reduce fear and support safer decisions.

Example: “I can ask for an advocate or support person.”

Love bombing

Overwhelming attention, praise, or gifts used to create rapid attachment — sometimes followed by control.

Example: “It moved very fast, then the rules started.”

Learned helplessness

When repeated harm or control teaches the brain/body that escape is impossible, even when options return.

Example: “My body believes there is no way out.”

Legally safe wording

Using neutral, factual language (dates, behaviours, impact) can help when recording events or seeking support.

Example: “On [date], they blocked the door and shouted for 20 minutes.”

Manipulation

Tactics used to influence someone unfairly (guilt, fear, withholding, twisting facts) to gain control.

Example: “They used guilt to make me comply.”

Microaggression

Subtle comments/actions that communicate bias or disrespect (often repeated and exhausting).

Example: “It sounds small, but it happens constantly.”

Moral injury

Deep distress after experiences that violate your values (or witnessing harm you couldn’t stop).

Example: “I feel broken because it crossed my core values.”

Neglect

A pattern where basic needs (care, safety, food, attention, medical support) are not met.

Example: “Neglect can be harmful even without shouting or hitting.”

Nervous system

The body’s threat-and-safety system. Trauma can push it into constant alert or shutdown.

Example: “My body reacts before my mind catches up.”

Overwhelm

When demands exceed capacity — can lead to shutdown, panic, anger, or dissociation.

Example: “Overwhelm is a nervous-system state, not a character flaw.”

Outside support

A safe person/service outside the situation who can help you plan, document, or access resources.

Example: “I asked a support worker to help me make a plan.”

Power & control

A pattern where one person uses tactics to dominate choices, freedom, money, access, or safety.

Example: “It’s about control, not anger.”

Post-traumatic stress

A set of symptoms after trauma (intrusive memories, avoidance, mood changes, hypervigilance).

Example: “My body reacts as if it’s happening again.”

Protective factors

Things that reduce risk and support wellbeing (safe relationships, routines, stable housing, community).

Example: “Even one safe person is a protective factor.”

Quiet coercion

Subtle pressure (sulking, withdrawing affection, “punishing” silence) used to shape behaviour.

Example: “They didn’t shout — but I felt forced.”

Recovery

The ongoing process of healing, rebuilding safety, reconnecting with self, and restoring choice.

Example: “Recovery is not linear — it’s still progress.”

Re-traumatisation

When something (or someone) recreates the feeling of trauma, often through powerlessness or invalidation.

Example: “Not being believed can feel re-traumatising.”

Resourcing

Building internal and external supports (skills, people, routines) before processing trauma deeply.

Example: “We strengthened coping skills first.”

Safety plan

A plan that increases safety in high-risk moments (contacts, exits, supports, steps, options).

Example: “My plan includes a code word and a safe place.”

Survivor

A term some people use to describe living through abuse/trauma. Others prefer different words — choice matters.

Example: “Use the label that feels right for you.”

Shame spiral

A loop where shame triggers harsh self-talk, leading to more distress and withdrawal.

Example: “Shame makes me hide — kindness helps me return.”

Stabilisation

The first phase of trauma support: improving safety, coping, and day-to-day regulation.

Example: “We stabilise before deep processing.”

Support person

Someone you trust to attend appointments, help you remember information, or provide comfort and advocacy.

Example: “Can you come with me and take notes?”

Trauma

An experience (or pattern) that overwhelms safety and coping, leaving lasting impact on body and mind.

Example: “Trauma is about impact, not comparison.”

Trigger

A reminder that activates trauma responses (sensations, memories, panic, shutdown).

Example: “A smell or tone can be a trigger.”

Trauma-informed

An approach that prioritises safety, choice, collaboration, trust, and empowerment.

Example: “You get to choose pace and options.”

Trust rebuilding

Restoring trust through consistency, honesty, boundaries, and repair — over time.

Example: “Trust is rebuilt with patterns, not promises.”

Unsafe vs. uncomfortable

Uncomfortable can still be safe (hard feelings). Unsafe involves threat, coercion, or harm.

Example: “A hard conversation is uncomfortable; coercion is unsafe.”

Victim vs. survivor

Different words fit different people. Some prefer “victim” (legal accuracy); others prefer “survivor.”

Example: “Use the language that supports your dignity.”

Vicarious trauma

Trauma-like effects from hearing about or supporting others through trauma (common in caring roles).

Example: “I need support because this work affects me.”

Window of tolerance

The zone where you can think and cope. Above it = hyperarousal; below it = shutdown/hypoarousal.

Example: “Grounding helps me return to my window.”

Withholding

Refusing affection, communication, money, or support to control or punish someone.

Example: “The silent treatment can be a control tactic.”

Xenophobia (as harm)

Fear or hatred of people perceived as “foreign,” which can create chronic stress and trauma impacts.

Example: “Discrimination can be traumatising over time.”

Your pace

A trauma-informed reminder that you control the speed of learning, disclosing, or seeking help.

Example: “I can pause and come back later.”

Zero tolerance for harm

A policy or boundary meaning harmful behaviour is not accepted — with clear consequences and safety steps.

Example: “You deserve safety and respect, always.”