DISCLAIMER: As I sit and write these letters to myself as these were the times I was in a dark place with my dark thoughts and feelings in the past. Just know as I write this for you all to read that this in the past was how and what I felt when I was struggling. I’m not a medical doctor in no means -shape or form, I’m just an ordinary young woman who is looking at where she was and finding her way to know who and what she is as a person while learning and growing in herself. Also, know that as a young woman I’m sharing with you openly about my lived experinces that I go through on a daily that is a battle for me. If you or anyone you know that is going through something or seeing any signs/symptoms that I may share in my past and present videos, blogs and so forth of any form of mental illness, do seek professional help/advice or a second opinion as I don’t condone self-harm of any kind/matter.
Just as a side note: Before I begin, these letters that I am writing should be on my channel under the series of a playlist called Dear…” you can find them on the playlist called Diary Encounters/Dear Letter Series by clicking here and that it should bring you some comfort through some advice I give as well to myself and to others that I hope will bring peace and hope in their lives of their struggles. Bearing in mind, that most of these were written long time ago as I believe we need to express ourselves one way or another- through any means that we feel comfortable and safe while doing so.
Another thing to think about as I write this for you all to read and understand what I went through in the past that I understand that some topics may trigger people and may be a touchy/taboo subject to share but I believe wholeheartedly that it does need to be shared more.
My main purpose here is that we can learn from each other and to grow more as a person as a reader/writer or whoever and whatever we want to be and become. I feel in my heart right now that some of these topics that I’ve chosen to write/share to others wherever it is or whatever I use gets swept under the carpet left forgotten/ignored to just deny the fact of it all that most of what people going through is actually happening and that it is REAL.
Whatever is happening in our lives -no matter how big or small, we need to question ourselves “Why are they acting a certain
way?, How are they feeling?”, ‘Why are they pushing us away?,”, Who’s at fault?” etc. We can’t always blame others around us for our thoughts, actions and circumstances as I believe to a point that everything happens for a reason and that it does teach us through it all through that pain, suffering and circumstances that we deem isn’t supposed to happen but should as to see the bigger picture from it as it again teaches us to learn, grow and so much more. As know that life is a teacher teaching us lessons along the way and with that does come at a price to what we want to do about it.
With me being open right now as I sit and write this to you all or even share it with you all via through any form of platform I use that this will shed some light and encouragement to you all to know that you are not alone and that you shouldn’t have to suffer in silence.
Be sure to find the right people around you that you can trust to talk to about what you’re going through.
Let’s now begin!
I know that there have been many times in my life that I’ve been struggling with a lot of battles and wars as you can see
that I have the emotional scars to prove it. As well as also you know the internal and external struggles with these battles/wars that have left me some scars/wounds that haven’t healed or shall we say took its time to heal. I know and believe that I can and will win these battles/wars in life that I face. Despite that yes we both know that this is a choice of mine and mine alone to make and decide what to do. NO ONE ELSE’S.
You came into my life for a time and a reason.
Whatever the time and reason was, I was so blind, naive, and believing all the white lies that you told/fed me and kept on whispering to me the sweet nothings of the darkest thoughts and deepest fears to keep me inside your prison of my mind and living in my mind rent free. Despite the tears and emotions/feelings and thoughts such as helplessness and hopelessness with other mixed feelings/emotions that I felt in my mind, body, soul, and spirit again you were still lingering behind me.
Despite all the suicidal thoughts that started to come at my door that I will go through it all despite that I was tugging and towing, fighting so hard to know what is real and what wasn’t while you were trying to distort my thoughts and reality to know know what was the difference between them both – lies or reality, that is.
While during this time of figuring out what it was, it was my reality or not even though I felt like I was living a nightmare or being in someone else’s dream that I didn’t belong to or wish I wasn’t in. Trying to tug and to know what is real to reach out to others yet the fingers/hands are not anywhere in sight or reach. Trying to call for help and not for attention during these difficult times.
You came to me for a reason obviously, to mock me, to despair me, to taunt me and so much more. During this time to tell me again these white lies or whispering those sweet nothings again to try and remind me in my darkest thoughts at the time, Depression came to visit as well knocking at my door and doing similar things to me as you did to me. Telling me again, or even calling me again some labels that I was again in your eyes I was worthless, hopeless, helpless and so much more. The other things that you told me as well as when depression comes to visit that no one will love me, no one will care for me, nobody will see me for the real me and so much more.
You came to my life alongside depression and anxiety along with the negativity that has caused a lot of grief and strife along the way in my life. You were the ones that created the thoughts of sweet nothings of the white lies in my mind while living inside of my mind again rent-free to give me some false hopes, false dreams/visions, and what you wanted me to become or be. Even though, I felt in my heart, mind, spirit, and soul that there was more to what you were trying to offer to me and what you were sharing of what was really going on I deemed it was my fault to let you all in in the first place. But at that moment, I was still again blinded by your lies and perceptions that you were clouding everything within my reach along with my judgment.
When we first met, however, I was a helpless mess as you know, Suicide. YOU were darkening me with all this by creating so much self-doubt, self-negativity, and confusion along with again many mixed feelings/emotions along with these dark thoughts again.
I was just trying to be a normal, typical young girl trying to make sense of the world, trying to fit in, trying to blend in, trying to stand out and figure out where I am heading and more in my life like any young child would have done. Yet, despite all the peer pressures that were around while I was young again I was questioning myself over and over again – “What is/was going to be of me?”, Who am I? What am I? Is there a purpose and reason why I am here?” etc? Despite all of the happenings, I felt I was left out, taken for granted, left to hang out to dry, or left up on the shelf untouched or moved while becoming old and full of dust (figuratively speaking). I felt at the time also that I had others around me or had anything to show to others what I was/am capable of.
Despite all of that, my world at the time was looking crazy, hazy, and bleak, I felt really down in myself. I was just again a normal, typical young girl, despite what was really going on I tried to keep putting on a brave face or happy face with a fake smile despite it all that we both know that this wasn’t going to last long/forever.
I was a free, quiet, shy, young, full of energy, zest of life kind of girl, and life for a short period of time/while before you started robbing me of everything that you can get your hands on.
As I start to grow up and mature despite what I am going through daily in my life struggles/circumstances were beginning to change and I believe that some can and will be won and some can be lost. I just need to know what battles I can fight and what ones to leave well alone. As some situations/circumstances are beginning to change and are getting a little bit colder and some are leaving me with no friends at all or even my friends circle growing smaller. Again, as you came into my life, there have been a lot of life lessons learned/taught along the way and some have made me wiser, stronger, and smarter. Yes, there have been many misunderstandings/misgivings yet it was well worth it.
There were many times in my life in when I thought or wished I knew sooner rather than later but despite it all being blinded by these darkest thoughts and fears that again were clouding me over this time, wishing and praying yet hoping over and over again, who will be by my side this time? Who will have my back? Who will catch me when I fall into this trap again? Someone who will support my dreams, goals, and visions, catching/wiping my tears that fall/stream down my face time and time again so that I can be at peace within myself knowing that there is someone there when I need them.
I have often tried to share/tell someone I don’t feel okay in my small and quiet voice. I know and believe wholeheartedly that once in a while it is okay to not be okay at a time. Even though, it does test us for a point in every way possible in mind, spirit, and soul. Some of the times, many people come and go in our lives, and they come in for a time, season, and a reason I believe. Some to test me. Some to build me. Some to tear me. So, many times there have been a lot of people that have mocked me, laughed at me, point the finger at me, backstabbed me, lied to me and more just to get what they want out of me because of who and what I am a kind and gentle spirit, soul, empath if you will. What they wanted from me is clear it was just for a REACTION for the most part when it happened. Some of the people that I did invite in my life, obviously weren’t good people to me to be around me or even to be friends or keep me company as they say to keep your friends close but enemies closer yet I didn’t have that many friends to start with.
No, this was all quite all the opposite sadly, I invited them in for a chance to show me what they can do for me and what they were worth. Yet, in doing so that I invited more than just them but their dramas and more. Many of times, there was some people that thought or said to me that “you’re aren’t going to get through this at all,”you’re seeking too much attention,”it’s all in your head and so many more statements.
From that moment on, I just kept hiding away from the world, and reality, or what I did seem to be a reality at the time. I kept in my safe and secure place of mine – a safe haven, a home away from home like a security form of a blanket to wrap me around me and up regardless of the pain -emotional pain and scar that it was leaving behind. However, I felt that even though I was hiding I questioned myself again, “why should I be keeping all of this that I am going through a secret? Why should I be hiding? What am I afraid of?
Despite, these darkest fears/thoughts that were kept locked inside while it was taunting/haunting me for so long I questioned so many questions time and time again like “why me? ‘why cannot it be someone else having to take away this pain that I am feeling?
I keep telling myself that everything will be okay and that everything will get better and brighter yet I just need to hold on a little bit longer. I just need to keep moving on forward and keep fighting and not quit. To stay/keep strong in every form. Despite the battles and pains I have been fighting and facing again shouldn’t last this long. I felt I was despite telling these lies to myself, ‘Can you just see that these are just lies that have been told and that felt deeper/closer to me than I realized? The pain and battles that I was facing were so real and strong. No matter what I have tried to stop myself from crying to sleep at night and again hiding everything I felt behind closed doors and deep inside of me. Being blinded by the pain and the lies, I needed to find a fix again- be it to cut myself, taking a certain amount of pills, and so on just to end my life- to say farewell, see you later, farewell friends this is the end of my song of life. That is why I have been fighting these battles and demons for so darn long.
Obviously, the answer was really clear and simple to me to just come face to face and tackle it head-on to fight for my life and song to give me one more chance to live, breathe again, love again and so much more.
During the darkest hours and moments of my life, I met depression again in some of the circumstances that were being played too. There again I thought to end my life as this life I was living wasn’t mine as it was just a nightmare that I can’t seem to get get out of, feeling trapped and alone. I thought it was living someone else’s life and dreaming all at once. So, hello to the pills, knives and other weapons to be seen and in reach as well as others that I used to get rid of the pain in what I truly felt as I thought that this was the answer to end my life and song.
Yet, no matter what or how many times I tried and attempt this, there was a tug at/on my heart, also flashbacks playing back in the back of my mind that I was loved, there was someone out there for me waiting, there was someone that cares for me, that there is someone that accepts me in everything that I am to the very core of my being and so much more. Obviously, these flashbacks gave me hope, peace, clarity, understanding, and a vision that I can now see that I am loved,cared for and so much more despite what I may have said, done to all in the past and present I did have a life and a chance once more. I had a chance and a life to not always mess it around. Life is too short and we should appreciate everything that is there and the ones that have been in our lives or else we may regret it.
Years kept on slipping by and fast as I begin to realize that I do have a story to tell, a legacy to share, a purpose in life as well as all this to this day to still keep fighting these demons every day. I know that I have a life and a purpose as I am still seeking that out as I write this to this day after so many years and now I made a decision for myself to stand tall/up and against anything no matter what it is that there will be people out there that loves and more no matter what that again no matter what everything will be okay and better over time as we know that time is a healer and can do a lot for us in that given moment.
All I got to do for myself is breathe, take little steps at a time, one step forward. Yes! Time is against us! Yet, a lot of things will test us – BIG AND SMALL. We again need to find the right people to support us, guide us, and teach us through our everyday life.
It breaks me to see a lot people today that still struggles with their own battles and demons and to end their lives too soon yet we again can stand up and say we are better than what we are going through or what our demons are telling us, we can do better.
Knowing the signs, symptoms, and triggers along with the causes into knowing how others are really feeling and thinking is to be with them every step of the way by listening to them without judgment when they do reach out to us to talk, to not criticize them or tell them what they are dealing with is to get over themselves and stop complaining, etc. Who are you to judge them? Who are you to stereotype them? Who are you to criticize/label them etc? You are not to say these things or even to just dismiss them for having a bad day.
HELL NO. They have every right to try and reach out and ask for help or to talk to us and feel loved, secure, free from judgment, etc as after all, they are humans too. Maybe, if you are kind enough to just by being their voice or even just by being with that person that is struggling to support them through the good times and the bad no matter what will make them feel better, safe, and sane for a time. Give them that time to do so to share.