Dear Suicide

Let’s now begin.

Dear Suicide,

I know that there has been many times in my life that I have been struggling with a lot of battles and wars. As well as you know the internal and external struggles with these battles that has left me some scars and wounds that will take time to heal.  I know that I can and will win these. Despite that yes as we both know the choice is mine and mine alone. NO ONE ELSE’S.

You came into my life for a time and a reason. Whatever that time and reason was, I was so blind, naive and believing all the white lies that you told me, fed me and keep on whispering to me the sweet nothings of the darkest thoughts, deepest fears. Despite the tears of frustration that I cried every night behind closed doors, with other mixed feelings and emotions such as helplessness and hopelessness that I felt in my mind and spirit.

Despite all of these suicidal thoughts that started to come at my door that I will go through it all despite that I was tugging and towing, fighting so hard to know what is real and what was not at that time. While doing this time of figuring out what was my reality even though it felt like I was living in a nightmare that I did not belong or wish to be in. Trying to tug and tow to know what is real to reach out to others yet the fingers or hands are not anywhere in sight or in reach. Trying to call for help and not for attention.

You came for a reason obviously; to mock me, to despair me, to taunt me and more. During this time to tell me these white lies or whispering to me the sweet nothings again to try and remind me in my darkest thoughts at that time when Depression came in to visit as well, knocking on my door. Telling me again with these labels; that I was worthless, hopeless, helpless and more. Telling me that no one will love me, no one will want me, no one will accept me, nobody will care for me, nobody will see me for the real me and more.

You came into my life alongside with Depression and anxiety along with the negativity that has caused alot of grief and strife along the way in my life. You create thoughts, sweet thoughts of sweet nothings of the white lies in my mind to give me some false hopes, false dreams, false visions and more of what you wanted me to be or become. Even though I felt in my heart, mind, spirit and soul that there was more to what you were trying to offer to me and to what you were sharing in what is really going on. But at that moment, I was still blinded by your lies and perceptions that you were clouding in my mind.

When we first met, however, I was helpless mess as you know Suicide. You were darkening me with all this by creating so many self-doubt, self-negativity and confusion along with many other mixed feelings and emotions along with these dark thoughts again Depression came to visit me again along the way.

I was just a normal, typical young girl trying to make sense of the world, trying to fit in, trying to blend in, trying to stand out and figure out where I am heading and more in life like any young child would. Yet, despite all the peer pressures that was around while I was young – I was questioning myself over and over again, “What is or was going to be of me?” Despite all of this happenings I felt I was left out, taken for granted, left to hang out to dry, left on the shelf and becoming old and dust (figuratively speaking). I felt at the time also that I had nothing to give to others around me.

Despite all that, my world at the time was looking crazy, hazy and bleak, I felt really down in myself. I was just a normal, typical young girl, despite what was really going on I tried to keep on putting a brave face, happy face along with many  smiles on and with  me at all times. Despite it all, within that smile, obviously we knew deep down that that it was not going to last for long. I was free, happy, quiet, full of energy, zest and life for a short period of time and short while. As I start to grow up and mature, growing despite what I am going through in my everyday life struggles/circumstances that different situations around me some can be won and some can be lost. I just need to know what is the right battles to fight and what ones to leave alone. As some situations/circumstances are beginning to change and is being a little bit colder as well as me being older despite you made it hard to come to grips in reality of it all, that it has taught me alot of life lessons along the way along with some experiences that makes me wiser, stronger and smarter. There has been many misunderstandings and misgivings.

There has been many of times in my life in what I thought and I wished I knew despite being blinded through my darkest thoughts and fears that again was clouding over me through this time. Wishing, praying and hoping again and again who will be by my side, that will always have my back when I have theirs no matter what, catching me when I fall , supporting my dreams, goals and visions, catching/wiping away any tears that falls or streams down my face time and time again so that I can be at peace within myself. Many times I have tried to share or tell someone that I do not feel okay in my small and quiet voice. I know and believe wholeheartedly that once in awhile it is okay to not feel okay at a time. Even though, it does test us for a point in every way possible in a mind, spirit and soul. Some of the times, many people have come into my life for a season and a reason. Some to test me. Some to build me. Some to tear me. So many times, there has been a lot of people that has mocked me, laughed at me, point the finger at me, backstabbed me, lied to me and more just to get what they want out of me. What they wanted was clear to me a REACTION. Some of the people that I invited in my life, obviously were not great people around me to keep me company, sane and more. No it was quite the opposite. I invited them in for a chance to show me what they can do for me and what they are worth. Yet, in doing so that I invited more than just them but their dramas and more. Many of times, there were some people that thought or said to me that “You are not going through this at all,” “You are only seeking attention”, “It is all in your head.” and many more statements.

From that moment on, I just kept on hiding away from the outside world and reality. I kept in my safe and secure place of mine- a safe haven, a home away from home like a security form of blanket to wrap around me regardless of the pain -emotional pain and scars that it was leaving behind. However, I felt that even though why should I be keeping all of this as a secret? Why should I be hiding? What am I afraid of? Despite these darkest fears that I kept locked inside for so long and questioning myself, “Why me?” “Why cannot it be someone else having to take away this pain that I was feeling?” I keep telling myself that everything will be okay and everything will get better and brighter. Just keep holding on and keep fighting this fight. Do not quit. Stay strong. But the pains and battles I have been fighting and faced should not have lasted this long. I felt that I was despite telling myself about these lies, “Can you not tell these are just lies that has been told and that felt deeper and closer to me than I realised. The pain and battles that I was facing was so real and so strong. No matter what I tried to stop myself crying to sleep at night and again hiding everything  I really felt. Being blinded by the lies and the pain, I needed to find a fix again – be it I needed to cut myself, be it taking certain amount of pills and so on just to end my life- to say farewell and see you all later, farewell friends this is the end of my song of life.That is why I have been fighting these battles and demons for so darn long. Obviously, the answer was really clear and simple to me to just come face to face and to tackle it head on to fight my life and my song to give myself that one more chance to live again, to breathe again, to love again, to live again and so much more.

During the darkest moments and hours of my life, I met Depression again in some of the circumstances that we were being played too.There I thought to end my life as this life I was living was not mine as it was just a nightmare that I can not seem to get out of, feeling that trapped and alone. I thought I was living someone else’s life and dream all at once. So, hello to the pills, knives and other weapons to be seen and in reach as well as others that I used to get rid of the pain in what I really truly felt as I thought that this was the answer to end my life and song.

Yet, no matter how much times I tried and attempt this that there was a tug on my heart, also flashbacks playing back on my mind that I was loved, there was someone out there for me, there was someone that cared for me, there was someone that accepts me in everything I am to the core of my being. Obviously, the flashbacks gave me hope, peace, clarity, understanding and a vision that I can now see that I am loved, cared for and more despite to what I may have said and done to all in the past and present I did have a life and a chance. I had a life and a chance to not always mess around.

Years kept on slipping by and fast as I begin to realise myself that I do have a story to tell, a legacy to share as well as to this day still fight these demons everyday. I know that I have a life and a purpose. I have decided today to stand up and against so tall and strong that no matter what that there are people out there that loves and more no matter what and that no matter what everything will be okay and will be better over time. All I got to do is just believe and take tiny steps at a time. One foot forward at a time. Yes! Time is against us! Yet, alot of things in our lives test us BIG OR SMALL. But, we need to find the right people to support us and to guide us through our everyday life and to teach us and many more.

It breaks me to see a lot of people that do struggle and to end their own lives yet we can stand up and say we are better in what we are facing or going through in our lives and do better. Knowing the signs and symptoms, triggers and causes into knowing how others are really feeling and thinking instead of dismissing them as having a bad day. We can save their lives somehow also. Maybe just by being their voice or even just being there for support no matter what through the good times and the bad.

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