HOW TO LET GO [COMPREHENSION GUIDE] We humans really like to cling to things, even things that we know are bad for us. One reason is likely because the more we feel like we know ourselves, the more we like ourselves (Baumgardner, 1990). If we already know ourselves as someone who’s in a relationship with a certain person, we might not know ourselves as well if that relationship ends. Or, if we quit a job—even a job we hate—who will we be then?   Knowing ourselves is such an important part of our well-being that letting go of something central to the way we see ourselves can be scary. We are uncertain of who we’ll be or how we’ll feel. And as a result, we can get stuck, clinging to both good and bad things in our lives, unable to practice acceptance and move on.   The thing we probably have the hardest time letting go of is the past. We might be going through something challenging and wish for “the good ol’ days.” We might long for someone we loved to be in our lives again, miss a good friend that we drifted away from, or even wish an important person was still alive and with us today.   Here are some tips for letting go: Below there are 17 tips and advice from me for how you can let go of someone or something. Don’t feel bad about what you are doing for yourself as we know that we need to be happy and be at peace with ourselves based on the choices to make. Remember as I keep sharing that it starts with us and ends with us.   1. Expect the best When letting go, try to think about the good things to come in the future and expect the best. If we expect to fail, we are actually more likely to fail (Bénabou & Tirole, 2002). When we do let go of what is holding us back in the past or even some situations that we can’t control, we will feel freer and be able to do what we want when we want. We’re the author, painters, and creators of our life, and we can do what we want to see in it in the present and future.   ​2. Let go of blame When we blame someone we make assumptions about the intentions behind what they’ve done (Malle, Guglielmo, & Monroe, 2014). Maybe we think they were intentionally cruel to us with the goal of hurting us. But wishing that the other person acted differently does us no good. Instead, we’re better served by thinking about how we might act differently to get what we want in the future. When we let go of the person or situation that we blame that maybe we need to turn our thoughts around and ask ourselves why it happened, how it happened, and what could have been the other situation if that didn’t happen in the first place and if we change that mindset of ours then everything should fall back into perspective and place.     ​​3. Practice self-compassion Practicing self-compassion can be a useful tool to help heal wounds and move forward effectively. So try to be kind to yourself, forgive yourself for any mistakes, and accept your needs as they are.     4. Look for silver linings   When we get stuck in fear, we often only see the potential bad outcomes without looking for what could turn out well. Try to shift your mindset to let go of fear or anxiety and replace it with hope or optimism.       5. Try journaling   I don’t know about you, but I’ll often hold onto fear just because I don’t want to forget all the things I “think” that I need to be worried about. I can’t relax knowing that things are up ahead and that I might not be prepared enough. That’s why daily journaling can be a big help. Consider writing down a list of things to let go of. Once they are down on paper, commit to letting go of them in your head. You can always go back and look at them if you feel you need to, but the interesting thing is that you often don’t—writing them down gets them out of your mind.   Create a positive mantra to counter the painful thoughts How you talk to yourself can either move you forward or keep you stuck. Often, having a mantra that you tell yourself in times of emotional pain can help you reframe your thoughts. For example, says clinical psychologist Carla Manly, Ph.D., instead of getting stuck in, “I can’t believe this happened to me!” try a positive mantra such as, “I am fortunate to be able to find a new path in life — one that is good for me.” 7.  Create physical distance It’s not uncommon to hear someone say that you should distance yourself from the person or situation that is causing you to be upset. According to clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., that’s not such a bad idea. “Creating physical or psychological distance between ourselves and the person or situation can help with letting go for the simple reason that we are not having to think about it, process it, or being reminded of it as much,” she explains   8. Do your own work Focusing on yourself is important. You have to make the choice to address the hurt that you’ve experienced. When you think about a person who caused you pain, bring yourself back to the present. Then, focus on something that you’re grateful for. 9. Practice mindfulness The more we can bring our focus to the present moment, says Lisa Olivera, a licensed marriage and family therapist, the less impact our past or future has on us. “When we start practicing being present, our hurts have less control over us, and we have more freedom to choose how we want to respond to our lives,” she adds.