DEAR DEPRESSION, I WILL NOT LET YOU CONTROL MY LIFE
Just a little side note:
Before I begin, this letter that will be on my series for the “Dear….” some of these were written a long time ago, and all that we need to express ourselves one way or another- be it through our videos, writing, and more.
Yes! Some of the topics I may choose to write and share with the world may be touchy yet it needs to be shared from what I have been through along with many others that may have as well, My main purpose here is that we can learn from each other and to grow more in each other – as a reader and writer. I feel in my heart right now that some of these every day topics that we choose to sweep under the carpet or under our feet, to ignore them or to just deny the fact that it is not happening but in fact let us be REAL here IT IS HAPPENING. Whatever is happening in our lives, we need to question, “Why are they acting this way?” How are they really feeling?” etc. We cannot always blame others for our thoughts, actions, and circumstances as we need to understand and see it from a bigger picture. With this one and many more that I wish to share, however besides it being touchy that I pray and hope that it does shed some light and encouragement to let you all know that we are not alone!!
Let us now begin this letter,
I remember the very first time when you came into my life, which was from the very beginning.
Growing up as a sweet, young, innocent, bubbly girl that was full of energy and spirit. A sweet young and innocent girl growing up not knowing what is going to happen, and you came secretly into my life without any reason or my permission for the changes that were about to happen.
I was growing up as a sweet, young, and innocent girl, in a world full of unfamiliarities as well as uncertainties with broken dreams and promises. However, the first time we met you were cleverly hidden and disguised under me as a mask full of different emotions which I would show to the world. While you were cleverly hidden, you did not even surface, and I was at that time, ignoring the signs and symptoms of what you will bring, despite being at a tender young age of eight. I was always a happy, young-spirited, free-willed child that was bubbly in character and putting on a brave face, regardless of what it would be or could be as I had so much energy to burn.
The second time we met, Depression, was when I was in my pre-teens, trying to fit in and blend in with the crowd that I was associating and hanging with. I was then, however trying to act like somebody who I was not when a few of these sweet nothings and some basic name-calling started to creep into my mind and create so much doubt, fear, insecurities, and uncertainties about who and what I am and was at that young age. I even felt my mind and body weren’t mine and that, they belonged to someone else. But, I now know and believed that this disease is incurable, but is manageable to a degree.
After having you in my life, it felt like I was in a deep and dark hole with no light. I fought myself and cried to myself at night, with tears streaming down my cheeks and face staining my pillow due to the torture of your sweet nothings and lies that you were feeding me.
I will say this to you “Depression, you were a childhood friend to me, despite giving me so many hassles, drama, heartaches, heartbreaks, and other mixed feelings just to basically give you full control of my life. It got me wondering when it was ever going to stop.”
In the end, I made it my choice to have you in my life and to control me. At midnight, a small silent voice inside of me, as well as a sharp tongue that was like a double-edged sword started penetrating deeper into my thoughts. It was you that was feeding me again with the sweet nothings, lies, and more. You robbed me of everything that I had, and once knew and pretended you had the answers for everything to what I was going through, as I was battling and fighting this battle and struggle on my own. I felt while I was in my pre-teens, that I was ready to give up and give in to your wishes and commands, Depression.
I questioned myself, “Do I dare give in and give up?” While you were giving me false hope and false messages of whatever it was at that given moment of time I realized it wasn’t me.
I began to feel very sick and weak, and everything around me started to fall out, I couldn’t grasp anymore as it was out of sight and reach. The reality of me losing this battle that was never so strong.
While in my darkest moment, I was on a suicidal frenzy with you just the thought of me wanting out and pulling the plug as well as quitting my fight with you. Yes, I did try to attempt to end my life during the Depression, however, and luckily, I had my loving and devoted parents by me for support. Yes, despite making their life hell, they still stood by me, and to this day, they still are standing tall and strong by me, no matter what I am going through or facing at that moment in time.
All the negative thoughts and sweet nothings that you poisoned me with over the years, fell back into my mind again as I kept crying myself to sleep at night, as so many countless nights I could not sleep through the tears of emotions of mine. I was trying to cope with the never-ending battle and cycle of mine with loneliness and no friends again; you were my friend as you then became the authority and the main source of my life, Depression. I was still stuck in negative thoughts that were growing so fast that they ended up clouding my judgment and perception of life, and living my life how I wanted to live it.
Again, you keep coming into my life unexpectedly, time and time again with sweet nothings, lies, and false hopes saying; “No one is going to love you”, “You are nothing”, “You are worthless” and more. Meanwhile, I was battling with these thoughts day in and day out, yet now I believe that there is a brighter future and that, there is hope and light at the end of the darkest tunnel mine as well as thinking that there will be someone out there for me that will love me for me despite what I may be facing or struggling with. Depression, what you have put me through was a house full of lies, feeding my mind, soul, and spirit. I felt so stupid enough to give you the time of day as well as giving to you what you wanted from me in my weakest times and moments, as well as then become a slave to you. This illness can do everything it wants at any moment of time or day just by giving up my power to you and more importantly, the authority to just give you what you wanted, just to keep you satisfied.
The other set of emotions I was feeling at this moment of time will not cease or be quiet and calm as you overtook me and my life, yet I will admit the Depression that you did create so many fears in my life. Depression, you know that you have a story of you to share and tell in this day and age.
I shall now stand up against you. I believe that I am someone who has a vision, dreams, and goals in my life which I believe I can achieve. Depression, despite being in my life you cannot and will not have me by having the power and authority in me. I do not now forever dwell on my past, regardless of you being there and what I have been through and struggled with. I am worthy of love, I am being cared for, I am worthy to be a princess, and I am now worthy to let go of anything that is not a part of me that is holding me down and out of my life. I am now worthy to let go of anything that you were clouding me; the doubts, lies, and uncertainties as I take charge of my life.
I am now starting and will begin now to forgive myself as well as give myself a chance to heal from whatever had been in the way of my healing and to allow myself to be a better person as, well as be stronger in the mind, spirit, and soul. I am now forgiving myself and allowing myself to be stronger and better. I have had so many guys that have come in and out of my life just because you were feeding me so many lies and insecurities, as well as putting harm in the way, and I come against you right now. You however, caused havoc in my life when the guys did try to come into my life and you told me to accept that it was true love, despite some of the guys I have been with in the past. Today, I am letting go of these ones that caused me so much grief and harm, and forgiving them; for what they did to me was wrong and unacceptable. I do not wish for anything else to be stolen in my life like peace, joy, and self –worth and many more. I am starting today to rebuild everything that was lost and stolen from me. As you are in my life, I am going to take charge of my life right now, to be a better person and to love myself.
Today, Depression, I am letting you and all the negative thoughts, perceptions, and judgments that were clouding over me go. I will not give up and I shall and will not let this silence me. I do not know where my life is taking me, yet I will take a step of faith into the unknown and trust and believe in myself, as well as start to love myself again
A victor and a winner.