A Letter to My Anxiety

Just a little side note: Before I begin, these letter that will be on my series for the “Dear….” that some of these were written a long time ago and all that we need to express ourselves one way or another- be it through our videos, writing and more.
Yes! Some of the topics I may choose to write and share with the world may be touchy yet it needs to be shared from what I have been through along with many others that may have as well, My main purpose here is that we can learn from each other and to grow more in each other – as a reader and writer. I feel in my heart right now that some of these every day topics that we choose to sweep under the carpet or under our feet, to ignore them or to just deny the fact that it is not happening but in fact let us be REAL here IT IS HAPPENING. Whatever is happening in our lives, we need to question, “Why are they acting this way?” How are they really feeling?” etc. We cannot always blame others for our thoughts, actions, and circumstances as we need to understand and see it from a bigger picture. With this one and many more that I wish to share, however besides it being touchy that I pray and hope that it does shed some light and encouragement to let you all know that we are not alone!!
Dear Anxiety: I am a new, stronger, and better person- Thank you. Do you remember the first time we met? I sure as hell do. I remember the first time we met so clearly, yet it may have been so long ago. We met when I first started trying to make friends while moving and transitioning to one town or city to the next. The second time we met was after another season and transition of change you became apparent and showed up again, while I was maturing and started the dating scene. Anxiety, you do however tend to show up unexpectedly and unannounced when I just feel comfortable and at home and turn my world that I thought I knew, upside down. Every day, every minute, every hour I spent awake laying in my bed, and this dark feeling sweeping over and inside of me will awaken me from my deepest and darkest slumber. From there on, you were almost like a friend of mine, trying to steal everything in life that was within reach and at arm’s length. At first – I was too blind and in oblivion to what you were trying to do to me, and when I knew that my world was spinning out of control as well as sending waves of emotions sweeping in and around me to the point where I could not breathe or control myself, I started to hate you. I then began to hate myself also, as well as blaming myself as I thought everything that I was going on was my fault. I hated you for ruining my life, innocence, and more. The more hatred I began to feel for you and towards you- the darker and heavier my heart began to feel, and then Depression came into my life and also became a friend of mine. The feelings were so real towards you were true that some days, they felt so strong I did not want to live anymore as I wanted to close everything off and shut down everything in my life. I have now, however, tried to reach out and explain to people who cared about me, yet I got tired of explaining myself and my behaviours to them. That then caused them so much anger, hate, and more towards me. I tried to reach out to them once more and when I did that, they thought in their minds that “I was too complicated”, “Too hard to understand” and many other labels. These thoughts became so overwhelming for me that frustration started to grow inside of me, as well as other mixed feelings that I was trying to tame. Despite everything I faced, either big or small, I say thank you, Anxiety. You taught me more than I will ever know and you did. However, you pushed me to some boundaries that I dared not push myself. I then began to learn more about myself as well as love myself more and to treat myself more with respect which I so much craved for. Yes, I am human. Anxiety, you pushed me to take a step out of the unknown to remain true to myself and to be positive and help me to create a better and brighter future. As I have now grown up and am becoming a stronger, independent, and confident young woman taking the first baby steps to find what I need in life at the moment, I am still a student whose self-teaching and self-learning in this walk of life. Despite it all, Anxiety, you are still hovering over and around me to start to stress and panic over deadlines, assignments, and more. I am now the one who has now started pushing herself to go further and to move on forward and not look back. Yes, I have made plenty of mistakes and I am not proud of them. Have we, not all made mistakes that we are not proud of or want to try and bury and forget them? Despite these mistakes and choices made, they are my life lessons, teaching me everything that I needed to know and that I needed to know. I want to thank you Anxiety, for waking me up all hours of the night. Despite it being restless nights, you started giving me a driving hunger and passion to follow my dreams and goals in life. Despite the sleepless nights, you came and became a renewed being, soul, and spirit of myself filled with grace, humanity, and more. Despite reaching out and seeking help, I knew that I was not alone in facing this, as there are many others like me going through this struggle. I knew that there was support and help out there for me, yet I needed to find it for myself. You also opened up my eyes and heart to accept my flaws, and imperfections that I have and I am not ashamed; for what I have got as this has made me who and what I am today. I have come to terms and realize now that; I am the only one in control of my life and everything in it. I am the one in control of my happiness, peace, self-worth, and more. Thanks for letting me have a bit of time where I could self-reflect to who are and will be in my social circle, and deserve to still be in there despite it being a lonely road ahead of me. Anxiety, one more thing I would like to say to you right now is; despite all the years that you were there causing me so much pain, misery, heartache, and more, I am proud to say it was well worth it and I would not have been the woman I am now today and would be in the nearest future. Thank you! Yours sincerely,

Aspie

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