DISCLAIMER: As I sit and write these letters to myself as these were the times I was in a dark place with my dark thoughts and feelings in the past. Just know as I write this for you all to read that this in the past was how and what I felt when I was struggling. I’m not a medical doctor in no means -shape or form, I’m just an ordinary young woman who is looking at where she was and finding her way to know who and what she is as a person while learning and growing in herself. Also, know that as a young woman I’m sharing with you openly about my lived experinces that I go through on a daily that is a battle for me. If you or anyone you know that is going through something or seeing any signs/symptoms that I may share in my past and present videos, blogs and so forth of any form of mental illness, do seek professional help/advice or a second opinion as I don’t condone self-harm of any kind/matter.   Just as a side note: Before I begin, these letters that I am writing should be on my channel under the series of a playlist called Dear…” you can find them on the playlist called Diary Encounters/Dear Letter Series by clicking here and that it should bring you some comfort through some advice I give as well to myself and to others that I hope will bring peace and hope in their lives of their struggles. Bearing in mind, that most of these were written long time ago as I believe we need to express ourselves one way or another- through any means that we feel comfortable and safe while doing so. Another thing to think about as I write this for you all to read and understand what I went through in the past that I understand that some topics may trigger people and may be a touchy/taboo subject to share but I believe wholeheartedly that it does need to be shared more. My main purpose here is that we can learn from each other and to grow more as a person as a reader/writer or whoever and whatever we want to be and become. I feel in my heart right now that some of these topics that I’ve chosen to write/share to others wherever it is or whatever I use gets swept under the carpet left forgotten/ignored to just deny the fact of it all that most of what people going through is actually happening and that it is REAL. Whatever is happening in our lives -no matter how big or small, we need to question ourselves “Why are they acting a certain way?, How are they feeling?”, ‘Why are they pushing us away?,”, Who’s at fault?” etc. We can’t always blame others around us for our thoughts, actions and circumstances as I believe to a point that everything happens for a reason and that it does teach us through it all through that pain, suffering and circumstances that we deem isn’t supposed to happen but should as to see the bigger picture from it as it again teaches us to learn, grow and so much more. As know that life is a teacher teaching us lessons along the way and with that does come at a price to what we want to do about it.   With me being open right now as I sit and write this to you all or even share it with you all via through any form of platform I use that this will shed some light and encouragement to you all to know that you are not alone and that you shouldn’t have to suffer in silence. Be sure to find the right people around you that you can trust to talk to about what you’re going through.    Let’s now begin!   Dear Suicide, I know that there have been many times in my life that I’ve been struggling with a lot of battles and wars as you can see that I have the emotional scars to prove it. As well as also you know the internal and external struggles with these battles/wars that have left me some scars/wounds that haven’t healed or shall we say took its time to heal. I know and believe that I can and will win these battles/wars in life that I face. Despite that yes we both know that this is a choice of mine and mine alone to make and decide what to do. NO ONE ELSE’S. You came into my life for a time and a reason. Whatever the time and reason was, I was so blind, naive, and believing all the white lies that you told/fed me and kept on whispering to me the sweet nothings of the darkest thoughts and deepest fears to keep me inside your prison of my mind and living in my mind rent free. Despite the tears and emotions/feelings and thoughts such as helplessness and hopelessness with other mixed feelings/emotions that I felt in my mind, body, soul, and spirit again you were still lingering behind me. Despite all the suicidal thoughts that started to come at my door that I will go through it all despite that I was tugging and towing, fighting so hard to know what is real and what wasn’t while you were trying to distort my thoughts and reality to know know what was the difference between them both – lies or reality, that is. While during this time of figuring out what it was, it was my reality or not even though I felt like I was living a nightmare or being in someone else’s dream that I didn’t belong to or wish I wasn’t in. Trying to tug and to know what is real to reach out to others yet the fingers/hands are not anywhere in sight or reach. Trying to call for help and not for attention