Dear Suicide Letter Series DISCLAIMER/ TRIGGER AND CONTENT WARNING: This is going to be a disclaimer and a trigger and/or content warning for you all right now for those of you who are watching/listening. As I said in my previous videos, if you haven’t seen it based on my spoken word for thought, or some dear letter series I have written in my darkest times I thought to bring this out of the reasons behind why I’m doing this and this is not to dwell on the past or anything like that or even seeking any attention like behaviours from you all or even just seeking out sympathy. I just want to share with you all basically that this is hopefully to engage with you all, support you all in a way, hopefully, that you can walk in my shoes and actually experience the pain that in which I went through in the past life and maybe you can you know to seek help for whatever reason it may be and in saying this that if you see any people that you know of that you care about are showing signs and symptoms of anything of the previous videos based on mental health, do seek professional help for yourself or your loved one or even seeking a second opinion for yourself or your loved one because I don’t forever condone self-harm.   To the ones that knew me or thought that they knew me, this is going to be hard to share with you all. This isn’t anyone’s fault at all but my fault alone for having to carry such burdens for so long. Please don’t forever blame yourselves for what you’ve been not seeing or sharing with me about how we can fight the fight of these demons.  I have been struggling for some time with my demons and I have been trying to fight these demons for so long that it feels like the everyday struggles and battles I have with them are forever long and forever lost.   The reality was that the fight I was fighting daily wasn’t going to be won. I tried to do my hardest to hide away all my demons and brave the days that I was facing by putting a smile on my face to hide the pain, haunts, and taunts from these demons that I fought with. Behind the mask is someone who is struggling and have been trying to call for help or seek help when I needed it the most. Yet, I felt that despite what I have said and done for others that this wasn’t enough for them and I began to doubt where were the others when I needed them the most. I tried to make everything pleasant and quick as possible. I know that there are many times in my life however with these battles and wars I just decided to give up despite in these everyday battles, struggles, and wars that I am facing I still believe I can win even though I did give in a few times. Yes, the choice of what I do with my life is only up to me and only me as I am the only one to answer to and not let others say or dictate to me how to live my life. We all have choices- good, bad, and ugly. I hope that with this being said that it wouldn’t burden you or hurt you in any way.   I didn’t want to bother you with all my problems as the thought of being known for as a pest or a problem. You came to my life for a reason! Whatever that time and reason were that I was so blinded by the white lies and doubt with negativity that was feeding my soul and mind. Feeding and fuelling my mind day in and day out with the darkest thoughts and fears. Along with all of this, I cried my silent tears at night behind closed doors with these tear-stained cheeks of mine flowing so much as a waterfall. These tears I cried were tears of feeling hopeless, trapped, and helpless. I felt despite it all my suicidal thoughts that I will go through it all despite that tugging and towing of what was real and what was fake. Trying to figure out for myself what was my reality. Trying to figure out what was my purpose. Trying to figure out what was my fate. I am sick and tired of being the good woman, I am sick and tired of all the things that I thought in my world was mine to claim when it wasn’t mine in the first place. I felt as though while am reaching out to anyone that no one ever cared or ever bothered to ask me if I am okay. How am I?   What am I feeling? Not once a voice of comfort came to my aid/rescue as I was totally ignored. These white lies that were still feeding me and fuelling my thoughts were taunting me, telling me that I’m not worth it, I’m not perfect, I am not wanted, I am not loved, No one cares, etc. I know and felt that I didn’t deserve anything good out of my life. I felt weak and felt like a total failure in others’ eyes around me. As far as I can remember in my darkest moments and hours, I pushed away everyone that did know and loved me for me and I was spinning out of control and spiraling down fast. Some of the ones that I did push away that cared and loved me, they ended up turning their back and walked away from me. And so I couldn’t put the burden of my problems onto anyone else and I just sat there in silence with these battles of mine.   I know where some of my best parts have been before you came and visit me with suicidal thoughts